I had a lot more than split ends on my shoulders. I had a lot of heavy baggage that I didn’t realize I’ve been carrying all these months.
The last time I had my hair cut was this summer, in preparation for baby showers and to combat the fast-growing (thanks, hormones!) hair and ever-growing roots. I was 5 or 6 months pregnant, elated, excited and Miss Positivity. I sat in the swiveling chair chatting up about name choices, ultrasounds and dreams of a left-handed pitcher for a Major League baseball team. My world hadn’t been rocked, for better or for worse yet.
So when my hair reached the middle of my back, with little life to it, I used braids, ponytails and headbands to make it disappear.
My hair, you see, has been the container for depression; a holder of my Bad Mommy Thoughts about Down Syndrome. I only last week, phone in my hand to make an appointment at the hair salon, realized that I was afraid of going back to a place that reminded me of LBDS — Life Before Down Syndrome. There are a lot of places like this.
The grocery store? I remember waddling down the aisles looking at baby food containers, not realizing how late it would be before our child could eat cereal, mushed carrots, solid foods.
My work office? The first day I found out I was pregnant, I had to work in the city 40 miles away instead of at home. And I was so happy at my desk, imagining everything… everything that didn’t quite turn out the way I thought it would.
Gosh, I sound whiny. I’m not really this negative all the time. It just comes out in spurts when I least expect it.
Tonight’s appointment wasn’t bad. I laughed with my hair stylist and talked about baby’s sleep schedule, mohawks and a helpful Daddy. A part of me was sad. It’s a small town and there’s a lot of big mouths in the area, so I couldn’t help but wonder, “Does she know?”
She didn’t say anything and she didn’t let on, but I did feel like we were dancing around certain things. Why didn’t she ask me if he’s smiling or if he’s rolling over? Is it because she knows he’s behind in his development already?
But I left the place with one fewer black hole in my spirit and much less weighing me down.
I have a new ‘do and in a way, it’s a re-do that will let me move forward with yet another chapter. We’re in LADS mode for sure and there’s no escaping, but it doesn’t have to weigh me down like a forgotten bit of hair.
And a wee bit sassy.