POSITIVE

It was one year ago today.

I came home from work that Sunday and opened our kitchen door to find a bouquet of flowers, with a note underneath that read, These are for you, Mommy.

It was the first day that I knew about Zack. The first day of the rest of my life. (No, that day wasn’t my wedding day — sorry Scott — and it wasn’t the day Zack was born. My life changed that weekend after I peed on a stick.)

Earlier that day, Scott was downstairs watching TV and I went up to get ready for work. I brushed my hair, put on my make-up and was just hit by an unbelievable urge to pee.on.stick.now. We had been trying for a couple of months and I was just absolutely crushed after that first month when the test, er all three tests, said NOT Pregnant. I don’t know why they can’t word it nicer.

Try again, perhaps. Or, better luck next time. But the NOT in front of that beautiful “P” word just made me so sad that month.

But back to the happy month.

I had been feeling a bit run down for a few days, but other than that, there really was no clue that a mohawked-baby was chillin’ out inside of me. I didn’t want to be hurt again and I didn’t want to get Scott excited. So, I just did it really quickly and nearly forgot about it. I was pulling my hair up into a ponytail when I happened to glance on the white stick on the windowsill.

Hold the phone, I thought. Does that say PREGNANT?!

I looked, and then I shrieked. Loudly and as if there was a five-headed, three-eyed alien in the bathtub.

Scott came up stairs in about three leaps.

“WHAT DOES THIS SAY?!?!” I asked him, shaking the stick in his face.

He paused, he smiled, he paused.

“Merry Christmas,” he said with a smirk on his face. (Because this was ALL Scott’s doing, you know…)

We didn’t even have a chance to celebrate. I had to get to work! I gave Scott a huge kiss and a huge hug and I think I even got a belly pat from him. And then I got in the car and drove down the Road O Life in the beginning of a huge journey I didn’t know I was taking.

I promised Scott I wouldn’t tell anybody and then picked up the phone and called a friend as soon as I got in cell service. And then I texted another friend. Then called another one…

I was on Cloud Nine when I walked into the office later. I couldn’t have been happier… or more naive.

I sat down and almost immediately, a co-worker confided in me about he and his wife’s struggles with infertility for YEARS. Like, drive two hours each way at last once every single week to see a fertility specialist. And did I mention trying for YEARS?

Some great guy up in the clouds reminded me immediately how precious and special this gift was. And how blessed I truly, truly was.

And I haven’t forgotten that lesson yet. I hope I never do.

I told Zack several times today, on this very special day, that he was the best Christmas present for me. Two years in a row.

I kept a journal all pregnancy in a book called Letters for Tomorrow. Here are some excerpts:

From Dec. 10, 2009: I am five weeks along and am still teetering back and forth between excited and nervous… You are so loved already.

That same day, Scott wrote: …Today was the five-week mark. I’m overly excited. It feels like time is moving so slowly, but I know it will fly by soon enough. We’re both excited to have you in our lives. But for now, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And don’t worry, help is on the way. We’ll get you outta there as soon as we can. Love, Your Daddy. PS – Remember who I am. A popular saying of the time is “Who’s Your Daddy?” — Soon, you’ll know.

All I can do is smile.

Zack has been loved for a year. And will be loved until the end of time.

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