My doctor wrote those words down in his chicken scratch handwriting after I interrupted him during a long list of routine questions he was expecting me to answer with a no.
“Headaches…? Dizziness…? Bowel issues…? Breastfeeding problems…? Sadness or depression…? Upset stomach or digestive problems…”
I glanced at Scott, noticing the slightest twitch in one hair of one eyebrow as he watched Addie sleeping in her carseat. So many mood swings, the starting of silly fights, those horrible things I called him the other night…
“Well, I’m sometimes sad,” I interrupted with, barely a mumbled whisper.
We decided to call it the postpartum blues.
We decided to forego the offered three-month trial medicine. For now.
“Your baby is so healthy and happy,” Dr. J said.
Yes, yes she is. And I also don’t know what that was meant to do.
I don’t know why, at a time when I am at my happiest, when my world is going great, why I’m sometimes sad. Sometimes it’s because it’s 2:13 p.m. Or 5:33 a.m. Sometimes it’s because Zack is hugging me. Sometimes it’s because a bird tweeted or a car honked. I honestly don’t know.
And I’m not entirely sure why I’m sharing this, either. I started this post the morning after our doctor visit in late June and in the couple of weeks since then, I have come out from the worst of the darkness and can look back at these words and feel almost silly. I haven’t told my family or my closest friends. Only Scott, poor guy.
I don’t know why I am sharing this, except it’s the truth, the sad truth. Except it’s not silly, it’s serious.
Except to say that I am ok. To say that despite coming from a family line of depression and despite my own past struggles with mental illness and despite the dark moments I’m currently enduring, I know that I am strong enough now and have the right support beside me to make it through until it’s 2:14 p.m. Or until the car drives past our house.
This happens. This can happen to anyone.
It can not happen after an emergency C-section and a surprise, shocking health diagnosis just as easily as it can happen following a planned surgery and a “perfect,” healthy baby.
I’m not always sad.
And I know that with the right diet, some Momma Time and a bit of sunshine mixed with the smiles and laughter of my children and love from my husband, that I can soon go back to almost-never sad.
But for now, it’s one day at a time with “sometimes sad.”
I found a few good sites online, like this one, with information on this topic. Please don’t mess around with this. If you know someone who may be depressed, even just sometimes sad, talk to them, more importantly listen to them, and get help if needed.